Thursday, February 26, 2015
Israel Agrees to be Destroyed in Ten Years
Israel today announced that, in keeping with the spirit of President Obama’s emerging nuclear deal with Iran, it has agreed to be entirely destroyed in ten years.
“While we regret the destruction of our country, we understand that President Obama is not very good at negotiating agreements, and that he never had any intention of attacking Iran,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “In light of this, we recognize that this is the best deal he could get, and we have decided to wrap things up in ten years.”
Indeed, a source in the Cuban government confirmed that Obama is not adept at negotiating deals. “He just gave everything, asking nothing in return,” the Cuban official said. “We were pretty surprised. We want to do some more deals with him.”
The president’s agreement to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear weapons reportedly will sunset in about ten years. That’s when Israel will sunset too.
“This is great, because I never had the incentive before to create bucket list,” said Netanyahu. “By being able to properly schedule my demise, I can arrange to do the things I always wanted to do within a finite period of time. Thank you, Obama.”
A spokesman for the Palestinian Authority also expressed support for the Iran deal. “We don’t care if all the land is radioactive. Just as long as the Jews aren’t on it,” he said
Secretary of State John Kerry denied that Israel would perish in a decade, saying the Iranians had “guaranteed” that they would never, ever, ever build a nuclear weapon.
“This is not just some promise,” Kerry said. “This is a guarantee. Iron clad. Triple knotted. And sealed with kiss.” Kerry declined to elaborate on that final point.
He said U.S. negotiators were actually standing behind the Iranians to make sure they weren’t crossing their fingers behind their backs when the guarantees were made.
Kerry added that “out of an abundance of caution,” HHS Secretary Sylvia Burwell was negotiating with U.S. health insurers who sell plans in Israel to make sure they provide coverage for radiation sickness.
A spokesman for Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei emphasized that Iran’s nuclear program was entirely for peaceful purposes.
“Iran desperately needs nuclear energy to power our growing number of rabbit farms,” he said. “Many Iranians have invested in these rabbit farms, and there simply is not enough oil to provide power for them all. So you can see why the nuclear program is such a priority, and one that we have been developing for decades and are willing to incur massive sanctions to keep. It’s all about the rabbit farms.”
Pressed further, he acknowledged there might be other uses.
“Okay, maybe we’ll create a bomb. But just little bomb. A fun bomb. You know, like how the candy bars also come in a ‘fun size.’ We’ll just blow up a kibbutz or something. No big deal.”
The spokesman thanked Obama for being so weak. “He’s been such a pussycat. We are very grateful.”
Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Qatar, and Oman also promised to begin their own nuclear programs.
“We’ve got lots of, um, rabbit farms too,” said a spokesman for Saudi King Salman.