Mahmoud Iwannariotbad, a local businessman who sells detonators, wire, and dynamite to the local mosque construction industry, stated that the violence began when a group of men hanging around in his store began discussing the fact that no new anti-Islam films, subway advertisements, or Pamela Geller blog postings had appeared for a number of days.
One of them began shouting, "They are NOT INSULTING us because they think we are all violent, stupid thugs and not peace-loving sons of the prophet. This is an insult to Islam! Let's kill them!"
"Suddenly, they all wanted to buy detonators, wire, and dynamite," Mr. Iwannariotbad continued. "I thought they were going to break ground for a new Islamic cultural center or something. There's no reasoning with peaceful religious types when they get in the mood to build new mosques - they're like animals."
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The small group, which became larger as it roamed through the town visiting other retailers of detonators, wire, and dynamite, decided to target the American consulate in Itsnotsobad.
Upon arrival, they discovered that the consulate had not yet been rebuilt after its destruction during last month's riot and film seminar. Many felt offended by the fact that America no longer wished to have a consulate in their peace-loving religious nation, which was perceived as a sign of Western racism and yet another insult to Islam.
At this point, the crowd went on a largely peaceful but enthusiastic rampage, destroying most of the commercial enterprises in the city, which were predominantly warehouses storing detonators, wire, and dynamite.President Obama made no immediate comment, having a prior commitment to appear on "Bowling for Dollars" hosted by Whoopi Goldberg's cousin Yippee.
The State Department described the violence as a "pre-scheduled terrorist attack," which had nothing to do with a lack of anti-Islam films. "President Obama's policy is to defend freedom of speech and improve relations with the Muslim community by arresting anyone who insults Islam - or doesn't insult Islam as an underhanded way to insult Islam," stated Phillipe Rains, Hillary Clinton's personal spokesman. "This policy is working, so you'll do well to shut your pie-hole," he added.
White House Press Secretary James Carney reiterated earlier president's statement, "The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet of Islam, don't slander the prophet of Islam, and anyone in between. We can't be allowed to use free speech for selfish purposes, such as, expressing our opinions."
Having praised the President's determination to protect free speech, the professional American media quickly resumed their important work of playing Mitt Romney's speeches backwards in the hopes of uncovering hidden gaffes and dog whistles.
However, speculations by unprofessional bloggers and second-rate foreign media insinuate that the "true facts" (as they put it) were being covered up in an attempt to avoid damage to President Obama's re-election prospects - a ludicrous reasoning, since not even Univision could possibly damage his 20-pt lead in the national polls.
