Jimmy Fallon roasts Dems who boycotted Netanyahu

On his Wednesday night Tonight Show program, host Jimmy Fallon took some time to poke fun at Democrats who boycotted the Netanyahu speech and then afterwards conducted a press conference to throw their temper tantrum about it. Fallon showed various "flustered" congressmen tripping over their words.

The Prime Minister of Israel Has Called on Everyone to Share This Video - The Dictator (2012) - Funny Opening Scene

Obama Cites Lack Of Polish Golf Courses In Skipping Auschwitz [satire] "Playing golf sets me free..." By: PreOccupied Territory

Obama may not be the best golfer in the world, but he thinks he is smart enough to know who speaks for Islam. expert on Islam.

(Originally posted on Pre Occupied Territory website}

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, January 28 – US President Barack Obama explained his decision today not to participate in the 70th anniversary ceremonies commemorating the liberation of the Auschwitz extermination camp, noting that nowhere in the vicinity are there any golf courses that meet his exacting requirements.

World leaders gathered yesterday to mark the day when Soviet forces entered the camp in their advance on Berlin toward the end of the Second World War. There the Red Army soldiers encountered only those inmates too sickly to be included in the Germans’ death marches westward, and gradually unveiled the horrors of a place where 1.1 million people were murdered, mostly Jews. It has become a symbol of the depravity of Nazi philosophy and policies, and of international resolve not to let such atrocities recur. The seventieth is likely to be the last such event with a significant number anniversary at which survivors will still be available to attend. However, that part of Poland has little in the way of quality fairways and greens, and Obama therefore elected instead to visit the Taj Mahal after paying respects to the newly coronated despot of Saudi Arabia.

“The president recognizes the real and symbolic importance of the commemoration at Auschwitz,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest. “But he must prioritize his attendance at different events, since many important occasions demand his attention and there is no way he can attend them all and still conduct the affairs of state. The president’s decision in no way detracts from the significance of the ceremony at Auschwitz; he simply weighed the factors and decided that, in his assessment, a junket to the Taj Mahal was the more pressing, especially given the lack of proper golf facilities anywhere near Oświęcim,” he said, referring to the Polish town whose German version of the name was given to the nearby camp.

Earnest said the president had several ideas about how the governments of Poland, Ukraine, the Baltic States, Belarus, Russian, and the Jewish organizations working to preserve the sites where Jews were massacred might adapt their activities to suit American presidential priorities. “The most obvious program involves building world-class golf courses adjacent to the locations worthy of preservation and commemoration,” he explained. “But these groups might also consider repurposing the sites themselves as golf courses.”

Earnest offered assurances that there would be no need to remove or dismantle any existing structures. “Barracks could be redecorated and rearranged to accommodate either shaded areas for spectators, or franchised out to sell refreshments,” he offered. “Gas chambers and crematoria would make excellent venues for miniature golf, for those who prefer to practice putting. And the collapsed earth atop decaying mass graves can easily serve as sand traps.”

He then further elaborated on Obama’s thinking. “Many, if not most, of the sites in question feature at least one mass grave, sometimes several. The richness of the soil that comes from tens of thousands of decomposing bodies provides an ideal basis for growing the lushest, greenest golf course this side of Augusta.”

About the Author: Read more at PreOccupied Territory. Jew Gotta Be Kidding.

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. 

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!" 

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

"Shake It Off" Jewish Parody -- I'M TAKING OFF

Schlep (Uber Parody)

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The 3000 Year Old Jewish Woman, Part 3 Meet Sylvia. She’s been around for 3000 years, the last 1200 of which with an enormous bunion. But does she complain? No.

JEWLARIOUS: I’m sure everyone wants to know … how has your health been over the years?

SYLVIA: Eh. I don’t like to complain, but since you asked I’ve got a bunion that’s a killer. Let me tell you walking with this bulke on my foot for 1200 years isn’t as easy as it sounds, especially during the Diaspora. Who do you think invented the sandal?

JEWLARIOUS: Really?

SYLVIA: Me and Ruchel. Oy! Her bunion was a watermelon altogether. And all we had were shoes made of tree bark. It was Ötzi the Iceman who invented shoes. That’s a fact. We Jews, however called him Frozen Fritz. Try walking on tree bark, never mind running. The only people who seemed to like it were the Dutch. Then again, what kind of meshugeners wear little boats on their head? So from Frozen Fritz’s tree bark shoes, we cut a hole for the bunions. Pretty it wasn’t because frankly, Ruchel was so near-sighted she couldn’t cut a straight line, never mind a circle with an axe, plus how big a circle and a person make? So we kept cutting until finally there was nothing left but a sole and a strap. But, it was perfect for wearing in the sand, so we called it a “sandle.” The Egyptians I think changed it.

JEWLARIOUS: So all these centuries and you’ve only had a bunion?!

SYLVIA: I also had the worst case of whoosh in the history of whoosh. I still suffer from it, but Thank God, it’s a little better now.

JEWLARIOUS: “Whoosh?” I never heard of that.

SYLVIA: It’s terrible! Terrible! I got it in Pinsk. We had a newcomer to our shtetl; a Mrs. Know-it-all. A real vilda Chaya. Anyway, we had a colossal fight and the curses flew. I said to her, “May your nose grow so much hair it strains your soup!” Would you believe, in two minutes she looked like Fu Manchu? Soshe said to me: “May you have devoted children to chase the flies off your nose!” From that day on I’ve been attracting flies like nobody’s business! Every few hours for over 100 years, my kids and I did nothing bur swat. It’s whoosh here, whoosh there! This wooshing doesn’t help your social life. Wait, you may see it first-hand soon. It not only sounds like a whoosh, it comes with a whoosh. Here’s a swatter just in case.

JEWLARIOUS: Surely it can be cured?!

SYLVIA: Listen sonny, I tried everything, believe you me. I tied twisting wool around myself and walked into the Dead Sea; I stuck my nose in a vat of Manieschewitz, which altogether wasn’t too bad, except for the slight drowning part. It was a good idea not to try this at home alone. My neighbor recommended I recite prayers like “My burden be upon me, and my burden be upon you.” Meyer, my husband at the time thought it may have ticked off Hashem a little. He suggested I find a large ant at a crossroad, put in a tube and shake. Then again, Meyer also thought God told him to circumcise chickens.

JEWLARIOUS: While we’re on the subject, of all your 587 and a half husbands you must have had many terrific ones.

SYLVIA: Two. There was Benny the Philosopher. Never made a shekel but what a thinker! Like the song, “100 Bottles of Slivovitz on the Wall.” That was his. Also, the saying, "Avoid like the plague" which was a hit with Jews during the Bubonic years. Not so much with Gentiles who noticed more of them were plotzing so they blamed us.

One of my husbands, Benny, invented the song, “100 Bottles of Slivovitz on the Wall.”

JEWLARIOUS: But we know more Jews survived because of our laws of cleanliness.

SYVIA: I know that, you know that, but in the Middle Ages? Pffft. They thought the Jews were mixed up in it – especially Benny. Magical powers, they believed he had, all because of his saying. Frankly, I always had a secret suspicion he was a master of the Kabbalah. He became a local legend. But back then, Yiddishe Kops the Gentiles had? Half the world believed there was a god for everything, water, trees, lice. In our town alone, the Gentiles erected a marble statue to Bedlamtorius the god of Bedbugs. But did they know from cleaning up? Maybe if they took a bath more than once a century instead of blaming us, they could celebrate a 21^stbirthday. To this day, I couldn’t tell you whether more Jews died from the plague or the persecution, which is when Benny came up with his “All the rest is history.” When he went public with it, so much for Benny. Meanwhile, my 47^thremoved grand-great nephew’s wife told me that “Avoid like the plague” is still number 10 on Google. I still remember when I spilled something, I had palpitations, which is when he came up with “Don’t cry over spilt milk.” Trust me, on two shekels a month, when you “spilt,” you cried. A mind like that but were there copyright laws? In the 1300s they couldn’t even make a law about spitting plagues on strangers.

JEWLARIOUS: But surely they had doctors then.

SYLVIA: What do they know? True, we had our geniuses. Amatus Lusitanus, who helped Pope Julius lll get rid of such a fungus you wouldn’t believe. No one would even take a wafer from him if it wasn’t for Lusitanus. But that’s another story. His office hours started 200 years later -- in 1555. May 1^st I believe. I remember it well. His mama did the catering. No loshon hora, but between us, the woman couldn’t make a matzo ball that didn’t give you heartburn. You know, now that I’m thinking, maybe she was drumming up a little business for her boychick? And then of course, there was the very best: Moses Maimonides. But try to get an appointment?! He was booked solid. Nowthat’s a good doctor! For 50 years I tried for my Nathan who was my husband then, but they couldn’t squeeze him in. So my Nathan spent our marriage just screaming in pain. Thank God it didn’t hurt his career as a professional stuffer.

JEWLARIOUS: A professional stuffer? What did he stuff?

SYLVIA: He stuffed! Derma, pigeons, sofas for Sultans. His best-seller was the Cleopatra Chaise model. Saladin alone bought over 2,000. So are you finished interrupting? During the Inquisition, we Jews had two words for it: “OYtis Interruptus.”

JEWLARIOUS: Sorry, continue …

SYLVIA: Thanks to your interrupting, I’m all farshimmelt and feel a big whoosh coming on. You have the swatter?

JEWLARIOUS: Um … you know Sylvia, maybe it’s better that you swat yourself – in the hotel. And we’ll pick this up later when your condition clears up.

SYLVIA: Ok, but make sure you take care of your condition. Then I’ll tell you out how my Nathan made us a little rich. Meanwhile, I’m going. Three thousand years of Oytis Interruptus is enough for any Jew.

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Recent Media Headlines

 According to the New York Times, the UN Human Rights Commission (UNHRC) has formed an inquiry board to investigate possible crimes against humanity committed by the Israelites against the Egyptians during the parting of the Red Sea.

The High Commissioner, Navi Pillay, has issued the following statement:

"I am very concerned about the possible genocide committed by the Israelites.  Just look at the facts, how many Egyptians have perished, thousands, and how many Israelites? Zero. This is a clear case of use of disproportionate force".

       The Israelite leader, Moses Amramson, has commented that the Egyptians have enslaved the Israelites for centuries, have decreed to kill all Israelites male babies, and moreover all Egyptians were soldiers.

        Mrs. Pillay was not swayed by Moses' arguments, " The Israelites have sunk several chariots of United Nations Relief Welfare for Egypt (UNRWE) carrying babies.  I don't even want to discuss the environmental damage that the Red Sea parting has caused!" she said.

        The head of the enquiry board, Mr. Schabas, has issued a statement to the BBC, saying 

"My goal in life has been for years to bring Mr. Amramson to Hague.  One of his people,  David Ben Jesse, has brutally murdered an innocent Gigantism victim, Goliath, using a prohibited military technology, the sling."

Mrs. Pillay has added "At the very least the Israelites should have provided slings to the Philistines.  I plead the US to make sure this injustice would be remedied."

             A British MP, the Dishonorable James Galloway, has declared an Israelite-free zone (Judenrein) in his home town (AKA the Armpit). In response to the Guardian reporter query he said:   These Israelites are the worst human beings on the face of the Earth, I remember their cruelty to animals, specifically to lions in Rome".  "I am not against all Israelites" he said "only those who breathe air.I am OK with the other types of Israelites".

            "Free Gas" tweeted Rihanna, according to TMZ.  "The Egyptians have long suffered from the Israelites. Remember the yucky frog plague" she has said.  "Being slaves and attempt to kill all male babies does not justify such cruelty and atrocities"  stated Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem. 

            In an unrelated news the CNN has reported that the organization known as Amalek State (AS) has beheaded hundreds of thousands of Hitites.  Mrs. Pillay has commented that this is less of a concern as it does not really involve any human rights abuse committed by the Israelites.

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Turkish Hair Removal Ad Features 9/11 Mastermind Turkish cosmetics company says it featured the mastermind of 9/11 in a hair removal ad “for his hair, not terrorism”.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

Reuters

A Turkish cosmetics company recently ran a controversial online ad for itshair removal product, featuring none other than self-proclaimed mastermind of the September 11, 2001 attacks, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.
The Turkish newspaper Hurriyet reported on Tuesday that the companyhas defended itself, arguing that it featured the Al-Qaeda terrorist “for his hair, not terrorism” and saying that it did not know his identity.
The ad for the hair removal product reads, in Turkish, “Waiting won’t get rid of that hair!” or, more literally, “The hair will not go away because you keep waiting!” according to the Hurriyet.
The slogan is accompanied by a photo of Mohammed, who is currently being held in Guantanamo Bay and faces the death penalty if convicted.
“We didn’t know that he was a terrorist. This image is in popular use in Turkish memes on the Internet. The guy is quite hairy, so we thought his body was a good fit for our ad,” Mehmet Can Yıldız, a representative for the cosmetics company, told Hurriyet via phone on Tuesday.
Yıldız said the company had discovered the image on a Turkish onlinesocial, adding, “Several popular caps [humorously captioned images] were produced with his photo. Most were related to insomnia.”
“We didn’t want to imply anything political. We didn’t know that it could become an international story. I repeat: We featured him for his hair, not terrorism,” Yıldız reiterated.