I'm so frum...
I never shave, not even with a trimmer,
I keep the Three Weeks ah gantzeh zimmer,
I bring a mezuzah wherever I travel,
I tie knots in my tzitzis so it doesn't unravel,
I am so frum, that everyone is jealous,
I say lashon hara all day, lito'eles,
I switched tuna bagels for cream cheese and lox,
When I see a car on Shabbos, I throw at it rocks,
If a lady is driving I never yield,
When the Rebbe throws apples I play left field,
I don't learn gemara 'cuz goyim lived in Bavel,
I cover all my mirrors just in case I'm an avel.
CHORUS
I didn't look in a thesaurus,
So I have no words to put in the chorus,
I'll just tell you more 'bout what a tzaddik I am,
All of the mitzvos that I'm mekayem.
When I go to the mikvah I turn off the heater,
I don't even know who is Derek Jeter,
And when I go to the mikvah, to make sure it cleanses,
I pull out my teeth and take out my lenses,
If my wife boils water that's not Badatz,
I make her buy a new set of pots,
I don't put chrein on fish, of any species,
'Cuz I'm choishesh for bishul, even from kli shlishis,
If I see a sheretz I would never touch him,
'Cuz when mashiach comes I'll have to eat kodshim,
Between fish and meat I drink a bottle of bourbon,
I knocked down my whole house, zecher l'churban.
CHORUS
As you can tell, I'm Hassidic,
So I don't know how to write a lyric,
So I'll just sing, and you'll get a rush of,
Respect for me, 'cuz I'm so chashuv.
I stole a diamond ring from my Tante Bailah,
Just to be mekayem "Vehaishiv es hag'zailah",
I eat chulent yeder murgen, mitt-tug, un nacht,
I walk in the ga'as with my oigen farmacht,
I teach my kids that ham is mee'yis,
I don't mish on Paiysach, or Sikkis, or Shvee'is,
Pesach Sheini I use a new set of keilim,
I don't play chess, 'cuz the king has a tzeilim,
I don't eat marror, 'cuz I'm choishesh for bugs,
When I see my bubby I don't give her hugs,
My shiur for matzah is fifty k'beitzim,
I sit down everywhere, that's not a moishav leitzim.
CHORUS
There's a goy named Boris, but I don't know him,
So he didn't write for me a poem,
Instead I got help from a yid named Baruch,
To write my own chelek of Shulchan Aruch.
When my wife buys a sheitel I pour on it bleach,
On the maps in my house I cross out the beach,
I daven shiminessra for at least an hour,
I wear my koppel when I take a shower,
I beat up my kid if he's not the best in his kittah,
Everything I do, I do it b'shittah,
By Reishis Hagez I give more than reishis,
By Aishes Chayil I don't say "Aishes",
In the sukkah I make sure to keep my toes in,
By the Kosel I rip everyone's hoizen,
L'chumrah, I made all my kids become gayrim,
Every day I put like ten people in cheirim.
CHORUS
I really didn't write anything for this one,
Yada bada booda, something something...
On my phone I have an anti-Internet app,
And from now on I don't sing my songs in rap.
